I feel numb.
I’m not sure if it’s the cold that’s scratching at my skin,
or if it’s my mental state that’s inhabited
every transmitter and nerve ending to the point
where I can’t even feel the tenderness of my lover’s touch;
I can’t think,
I can’t stay grounded.
I feel like the walls are closing in
I can’t breathe
I can’t move in case every weight of the problems that are balancing on my shoulders will crush me upon crashing down to the splinter-like podium that is only just holding me up-
keeping me alive.
All it takes is a word, an utterance, a sigh of disappointment, a sad flicker in the eyes of someone I care about and-
First my body that cripples between the weight of my worries and my fragile podium, which then dissipates into the shadows of the world below; not knowing where or how I will twist and turn on my descent to the abyss that I’ve plunged into many times before.
It goes deeper and deeper.
But the real struggle is wanting to find a way out.